Unexpected Grace

Scott has 32 days left until he completes the last class of his MBA. I'm so proud of him. And of me for not killing anyone, or anything in the past three years. We are all really feeling the stress of the end of the kids school year, the end of graduate school & the missing employees at both of our offices. Oh and the dang dog. Still not completely excited about her. Like the one time this week when she peed on the floor and then her tail flung urine into my face. My face. I digress.

So with all the stress of life right now I've become even more of a yeller. I don't think I had ever raised my voice to or at anyone in my entire life until I had kids. Now it seems to be my only means of everything. I hate myself for it.

Last night while laying face down on the floor in the hallway, listening to Scott read a story to Lincoln and wallowing in my exhaustion, Timmy came up and asked if he could lay down next to me. I turned my head to face him and apologized, once again, for yelling so much. I gave some lame excuses to him about being stressed out and asked if he could forgive me. He replied, "Of course I'll give you extra grace, you're my mom. Why wouldn't I?"

Wow. In these quiet moments I realize we haven't failed yet and there is hope.

Running Away

My children are running away. Literally and figuratively. Lincoln "escaped" twice today. He unlocked the back door and took off, laughing all the way. I was left feeling scared, frustrated and embarrassed that a two year old could do such a thing right under my nose. And how far he got before I even realized he was gone was even worse. And then I start to think about what could have happened...

I suspect this will not be the last time I feel this way about my children.

I realize more each day how fast they are growing and becoming their own humans with their own wills, decisions and consequences to face. I begin wondering if I am prepared for the consequences of how well or not we have prepared them for all of this.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Self-Consciousness & Satisfaction

We moved just about a month ago. New house, new (long) commute for the time being, and hopefully new friends. I love change. My oldest, Timmy, 5 years old, does not. He is naturally anxious and shy and extremely self-conscious.

I remember being his age, in kindergarten, and realizing for the first time that I have transparent skin. I'm really white. And through this transparent skin you can see my veins and blood vessels pretty clearly. I remember being indian-style (I think the PC way to say that these days is criss-cross applesauce) on the alphabet rug in Ms. Langer's classroom one day and sitting on my hands so that no one would notice how blotchy my skin was. I thought I looked like an alien and that I would have no friends because of it. As if all the sudden there was a spotlight on my skin and I would instantly be shunned. For life. It was a big deal.

All of that to say, I get it. I get what Timmy feels. (Hopefully he never notices his skin because he is more pale than me!) So last night when I was taking him to his very first baseball skills class at the park district in our new area, I was praying that it would be a successful endeavor for him. I was praying for one new friend for him. I was praying he wouldn't cross his arms, turn his back and scream in the coach's face the way he had done as a four year old at his first (and last) karate class.


God answered my prayers. What followed was a hour of him smiling at me on the side lines, giving countless thumbs ups, and a new found love of baseball. He made three new friends. He came in second place in the base running elimination activity. He gave kids high fives on the way out. Prayers answered. Thank you Jesus.

There is nothing like seeing joy and satisfaction on the face of your kid. 

Time to Uproot...Almost

So if you read my last post (which I know some of you did because I got all kinds of texts and emails asking what was going on, thanks for that :) you know we're about to transition to something new. I'm excited. We finally got through the annoying time of indecision. We're building a house and moving in the spring!

Scott and I have a running list of things we want in our Someday House that we consulted at during this process. This list is pretty unexciting, not luxurious and includes things like: lights in the closets, no cracks in the wall, a red tree in the front yard and a garbage disposal. It also included some ridiculous things such as purple spray-in insulation like Mike Holmes from Holmes on Homes always uses when he fixes houses because its awesome. Pretty sure our house will not have purple spray-in insulation. We asked. They said no. Overall, about 80% of our list got checked off in this new house, which if I'm honest is more than I was expecting. I also have a Pinterest board of things I might want in my Someday House that you can check out here: Someday House.

This whole process still seems a bit surreal and I feel as if any minute I will get an email or phone call that puts a stop to it all. Its been a fun process so far, in which we've learned a lot. Twice people we've dealt with have said, "No one has ever asked that before."

What we've learned so far: No purple insulation. We ask weird questions. And yes I can have a tree that turns red in the fall in my front yard. Awesome.

Living with Dissonance

If you know Scott and I you know we are not ones to shy away from change. In fact, I would say we thrive on it. In the course of our marriage we've moved six times in nine years. I love the process of packing and unpacking and everything that goes along with new spaces and new places. We've been in the same place now for over a year and a half. When we moved here we knew this was temporary and recent events have now given us a deadline to get out. Exciting right?

I thought it would be. Just about two months ago I told Scott I was ready for something to change. Life was too predictable and I was discontent with its temporary condition. Now that the time has come to make a decision on where to go next I'm feeling overwhelmed. Something has happened to me now that Timmy is growing up and becoming more than just a small child that I can lug around with us on all of our adventures. He doesn't like change. He has an opinion. He has a lot of fears. He's five. All the sudden I have base our plans on his life too and its not as durable as mine.

Every couple of months Scott and I revisit an ongoing conversation about what we want. This usually includes discussion of a running list of places that we don't want to live (that list is shorter than the list of the places we'd like to live). Recently this conversation has begun to include us both acknowledging strong feelings of dissonance between wanting to live all over the world and wanting to buy a nice house where our kids can grow in a stable environment and make life long friends and memories. I don't know which dream is going to win yet. Maybe one will win for this season of life, but I don't want to lose the wanderlust.

...a time to plant and a time to uproot. Ecclesiastes 3:2

Instagram Nostalgia

I've been listening to too much country music lately and its making me all weepy for these days of my kiddos being so innocent. Trying to hold on to them is silly, but capturing some of the little moments is satisfying.

Best Behavior

Timmy is a classic case of he's on his best behavior with everyone else, but when he comes home all bets are off. He can turn from having a perfect day at Grandma's or school or daycare to total meltdown as soon as he sees my face or steps in the house. Everyone assures me that this is totally normal because kids naturally know that their parents will love them no matter what. I'm sure there is truth to this, but it doesn't make dealing with those meltdowns any easier.

I read an article here that convicted me about my own behavior as a mom and got me thinking about this idea of who gets the best me. Sometimes I think I do the same thing my kids do: act great at work and in public, but the second we get home, I meltdown. I yell at my kids, lose patience and generally am a jerk to them and probably my husband too. I know my kids will love me no matter what, so I feel free do do whatever I want when they are the only ones watching. This week I've been thinking a lot about how I should act & what kind of example I should set for them. After all, they are way more important to me than my coworkers and complete strangers.

Borrowed Time

These days are flying by and lumbering along all at the same time. I can't believe Lincoln is one already and Timmy "graduates" from preschool next week. And yet I can't wait until these boys of mine are old enough to bring me a coke from the fridge instead of me waiting on them with an endless supply of milk, apple juice, goldfish crackers & clean diapers. I can't wait to go hiking with them and not have to carry anyone or listen to complaints of being tired after ten minutes. And then I go back to how sweet and cute they are right now and don't want them to ever change. Lincoln's smiles are contagious and you just want to squeeze him. Timmy's cards on Mother's day were priceless. "My mommy is 15 years old. I like it when she wears her hair down, it looks best that way. My mommy is so smart, she knows a lot about dinosaurs." The cards were accompanied by coupons for free hugs, kisses and arm tickles. I didn't know an arm tickle was a thing to be coveted, but it turns out I can't get enough of them.

I'm so thankful to have a job that lets me make my own hours (within reason) and work from home when I need to and take unpaid sick days to my heart's content (oh how I wish I didn't need to take any of them!). I am thankful that I get to do work that I enjoy and find fulfilling and challenging. I get to meet great people, encourage and support church planting leaders and even do some art and get paid for it! But at least once a week I feel like I'm borrowing time from someone. Whether that be sneaking out to Target at 9pm to grocery shop in peace or going to the dentist when I would usually be working because its the only time I can find to get there without kids. I try really hard not to steal time from the kids, but there are days when work won't wait until tomorrow and I have to stick around. I wonder if this will ever change, but for now I'm grateful for being able to exist in both worlds.

I have been encouraged by the wise and honest words of Bethany at thegracefulmom.com as she balances life as a working mom.

Lincoln's 1st Birthday

Easter Crafts

Timmy and I spent some quality time last week over spring break doing crafts. He's such a creative kid and he loves doing projects. We painted paper Easter eggs and made butterflies while learning about symmetry. I even successfully executed a Pinterest idea by using old caps from water bottles with sticky foam shapes to make stamps. He loved it. and I love art projects with someone who is so excited!

Faith Like a Child

This is an email that I sent to my son today after he prayed a prayer of salvation with me. Scott and I created email accounts for our kids so that we could keep a journal of sorts of their lives. (I think I saw this in a google commercial or something). Anyway, today is an amazing day! Rejoice with us!

Timmy,

This morning on our way to preschool we were discussing tornadoes and how the mostly come in the spring and summer. You said you hope you never see one because you're afraid of the wind. I told you that if you ever are in a tornado you just need to be smart and then pray that God would keep you safe. You said you'd pray for the tornado to stop. That works too. :)

Anyway then you were asking lots of questions about all kinds of things and you said "I wonder if all the people would die like your grandma did. She died right?" I said yes. And you said, "so we'll never see her again right?" I replied, "I will see her in heaven because she believed that Jesus was her savior and so do I, so we'll both be in Heaven someday." You said you believed in Jesus too. I asked if you believed that Jesus died so that your sins could be forgiven and you said yes. I asked you if you wanted to pray and ask Jesus to be in your heart and you said. "Yes mom, I believe all of those things." So we prayed, and you repeated after me to be forgiven for your sins and that Jesus would be your savior.

It was such a sweet moment. I am not sure I ever would have said that I think a four and a half year old can fully grasp what salvation is, and I still don't know if you understand everything you said today. I do believe you meant it and that the Bible teaches us to have faith like a child. Today you expressed your faith. I'm so proud of you, and Daddy and I will continue to pray that you would walk with Christ every day of your life. We love you and are celebrating with you today!

Love Mommy & Daddy

teeth and other happenings.

Linkers finally cut his first tooth. After what seems like weeks or months of working on it its here. And he's a mess. He's crawling like a maniac, standing up next to furniture and generally getting into trouble every chance he gets.

Timmy is another sort of mess. He spent New Year's Eve at Scott's parents house and bounced off a dog and landed his head on the corner of a fire place. The gash on the middle of his transparent skin covered forehead was atrocious. A week later, its almost healed.

Scott started his second semester of MBA-ness at DePaul. Accounting and Economics. He says its boring, but two nights a week will give me ample opportunity to work on these 2012 goals. Especially the one about losing 15 lbs. I think I can eat less if I'm not cooking and I can definitely find some time to spend with Tony Horton and P90X if Scotty's not around to distract.

As far as progress on my the other goals:

-3 stretcher frames are built and staple guns located for canvases to be stretched. Now I just need some staples. (Its harder than you think to find time to go to a hardware store with two kids)

-at least 2 potential buyers lined up for said paintings

-Worked out 4 days this week (basically back at pre-Christmas weight)

- Read Daniel 1 & 2 a couple of times

- Prayed for friends three times this week, one prayer specifically already answered! :)

- Timmy has not learned to swim - I think this goal will wait until the summer

-Brought my lunch to work three times

A decent first week I'd say!

Goals 2012

One of my goals for this year is to write at least one blog post a month for 2012 - when we lived in China, posting regularly was easy because life was so ridiculous. Living a normal life here makes blogging seem silly until I look back at the few posts from the last couple years that seemed mundane at the time, but in hindsight are such a great chronicle of our life and kids. So here are my official goals or resolutions for 2012.

1. Start and finish at least 3 paintings

2. Sell at least one of those 3

3. Teach Timmy to swim

4. Read and study the books of Daniel & Isaiah

5. Lose 10 pounds

6. Pray consistently for Scott and my friends

7. Write a blog post at least once a month

8. Pay off our credit card

9. Bring my lunch to work more than once a week

10. Read 3 non-fiction books

Thankful

Timmy is a super crafty kid. Here's his latest project...

During November we tried to write down something he was thankful for each night. We didn't remember every night, and some of his illustrations took up to much room, so the list isn't quite complete, but close enough for a four year old.

1. Playing (illustrated with his interpretation of a monster truck)

2. Mom & Dad

3. My Family

4. Evie Timmy

5. Tanks

7. Tanks (again)

8. Cow

9. Books

13. God

15. Friends

17. Bey Blades

20. School

22. My House

Firsts

This has been a month of firsts...
Lincoln's first food...

Timmy's first day of Preschool...

I made my first homemade baby food - carrots. It was a success.

Scott and I ran in our first 5K - the Warrior Dash. Also a success - we survived!

Scott started his first two classes towards earning his MBA at DePaul.

Praise God for change. I love it!

Instagram Summer!

One Month In...

Lincoln is just about one month old now. We've survived two kids thus far, and I only had to wake up once last night to feed him...happy birthday to me! He's getting huge: 10lbs 13oz at four weeks! How does that even happen?

Anyway, the point of this post is to thank all of you for bringing food and gifts and entertaining Timmy while I recovered from the not so great labor and delivery experience that brought us such a blessing. Especially big thank yous to: Mom & Dad, Jim & Cindy Nelson, Sarah Erickson, Lauren Johnson, Jean Rezutko, Amy McGann, Samantha Johnson, Elaine Nelson & Cheryl Wedyck. We feel very loved!

Wanderlust

I want to travel. Anywhere. I have approximately until the end of the month before I'm not supposed to fly anymore, no funds and no time off. hmmmmm. Weekend road trip with the husband, toddler? What could we possibly do in two days, with little cash that does not involve a pregnant lady in an ill-fitting bathing suit?

Ideas anyone?

Potty Talk

Actual conversation from yesterday afternoon:

Me: "Timmy you need to turn the light off after you go potty." (as I walk to the bathroom to turn it off for him.)

Timmy: "Did you see the mess in there mom?"

Me: "No, did you pee on the floor?"

Timmy: (after a good dramatic pause) "No, I peed on the wall." heee, heee, heee.

What a stinker.

Craving & Baking

In an attempt to make my incessant cravings for junk food into something that vaguely resembles a productive activity, Timmy and I have been baking a bit. A few weeks ago he helped me make Halloween cookies. He was really excited about making colored icing, especially blue.

Last week's baked good of choice was carrot cake. Timmy loves carrot cake & a friend from China gave me her recipe for what I think is the best carrot cake ever. Strangely enough I think his favorite part is eating handfuls of the finely shredded carrots.

New Team Member

Team Nelson will be adding a new member sometime around May 1st! In Timmy's words, "There's a baby in mommy's tummy!" I don't think he completely understands what that means, but he's excited about the idea. He asks me the most random things like, "Does the baby like it when I play catch with her?" and "I will teach her how I go down the slide and play 'nect four (Connect Four)."

You may have noticed he said "her" in both cases above. Timmy is convinced that he will have a baby sister. He has named her Allie, after his grandma's dog. Apparently that is his favorite name. Have mercy on us if its a boy!

To answer all the questions, I'm feeling okay. No excruciating morning sickness, just tired, generally uncomfortable and hungry. All I want is junk food! Hopefully that part doesn't last the whole nine months!